Living in Japan is a lot like putting together a puzzle, except that someone else has all the pieces. And they don't speak English.

At the post office, trying to pay for our trip to Korea (next week!):
Me (in Japanese): I'd like to do a money transfer, please.
Them: Sorry, you have to go to the bank.
Me: (puzzled, because I just did a money transfer at the post office 2 weeks ago)
Pedaling to the bank, cussing under my breath
At the bank:
Me (in Japanese): I'd like to do a money transfer, please. (showing them my cash and the account in which the money should go)
Them: Cash?
Me: (nodding)
Them: (pointing to ATM)
Me: (Walk over to ATM. Man helps me. Money comes out of my bank account, not the cash in my hand. Pissed off.)

At school:
Me: Where is the vacation request book?
Vice-principal: (scrambling, unable to find. Calls the office teacher, gets into a discussion for 10 minutes about the book, principal summoned. Book still no where to be found.)
Me: (standing there, trying to be patient)
Another 5 minutes elapse, still talking about/looking for book. Librarian summoned.
Librarian: Is this it? (holds up the book)
Me: YES! (grabbing it)

Before I came here, I worried about being uptight. But the truth is, I am laid back compared to some of the people here. Seriously, they put the ass in anal.

Nevertheless, sitting in the office every day without conversing is really taking its toll. I really want to talk to people, but when I eye someone to talk to, they always look too busy to talk to me. Plus the fact that I don't speak Japanese well is frightening to some of the teachers because they know they will inevitably have to use (cue scary music) ENGLISH!

So all of these social anxieties have been contributing to a greater fear: that they don't like me.* It culminated in a really bad day for me on Tuesday, where I was pretty much walking around in tears. Once a good cryfest is out of my system, I can move on with my life but since I didn't get a chance, it was a slow painful leak all day long.**

I prefer explosive sobs where my whole face turns into a tomato and I can eat ice cream after it's over.

This story has a point, I promise. I was riding home from a teaching demo in Kitaarima earlier, and my JTE was talking about my teaching situation, which I have wondered about since day one. During Tokyo orientation, I was told that I would be teaching at one base school (my junior high) and then occasionally going to 4 different elementary schools. Well, that didn't happen because I've been at the same junior high this whole time. So I've been mulling over in my head why they wouldn't want me there. I can see why introverts go insane.

Well, my JTE told me that my principal was really adamant about having an ALT at his school, and the elementary schools said they wanted me once a week. That wouldn't leave enough time at the junior high, so there was much bantering back and forth. The Board of Education determined that it was more important to have an ALT at the junior high, since elementary English education is optional. So in the end, I sit at the junior high, even though I could easily go to the elementary schools during exams. Stupid bureaucracy...

So here I sit at home, trying to piece together my life with these fragments of understood conversations. But isn't it supposed to be challenging?

* Boo-hoo, I know. It's a really stupid fear. But the truth is, I have lived enough years to know that people judge people before really getting to know them. And it pisses me off.
** And then the enkai. But that is another post entirely...